If not for the fact that you’re nothing more than a relatively vacant space attached to the area below my nose, I would stab the ever-living shit out of you. Your actions are downright disrespectful. Rude, even. What’s your problem? Look, I know you’re not the eyes and you can’t take a look in the mirror like they can, but you can be sure I’m not messing when I let you know this disturbing fact.
We have baby face.
Ok, ok. That’s an exaggeration. We look at least thirteen years old. That’s being generous. On a rough day when the weight of the world has drug my face into a contorted mess of temporary misery, I look a good seventeen. Something about a face which displays a bitter distaste for all things past and to come adds some years to the old visage. But on the rest of the days, the good ones, which seem to be more numerous, I expect to be stopped by a truancy officer asking if I skipped out of gym class.
Did you know the sadhu of India, respected gurus of the yoga practice, our applauded for their beards? As are an absolute shit-ton of religions and cultures since the beginning of all time. ALL FUCKING TIME. Persians, Macedonians, the Greeks. The list goes on. That and a mountain of history book’s worth of Nike-shoe-wearing cults. Hell, for decades men even grew beards in an attempt to cure/prevent diseases like tuberculosis. I could go on and on, but I’m already starting to sound like a vulgar book report.
Look. I see you’re hesitant about this whole deal, I see that. But I get it. I understand your reservations. You’re worried I might go all Joaquin Phoenix on you. It’s true, growing a beard is often the first symptom of going bat-shit insane. I don’t know why that is. Crazy seems to go up exponentially with quantity of facial hair. As well as homelessness and a predilection for frightening strangers.
You may also be worried this suggests some predisposition to becoming a mad scientist/evil mastermind villain. True, facial hair is pretty much the first step of building a death-ray the size of a Buick. But you’re looking at this the wrong way. Think Tony Stark. Think Wolverine. Hell, I’ll settle for a pair of canuk chops. That’s fine. Shit, think motherfucking Thor. This is the mindset I need you to be in.
So, let’s end this dumb feud we’ve been having over the years. I apologize for any disrespect during those years learning to shave. I admit, I sucked pretty bad at it. But how about we let bygones be bygones and grow ourselves a mean beard. Come on. Or I start shaving like I did when I was fourteen. You don’t want to go through that again.
Sincerly,
Ben
brilliant!